Deep Questions for Married Couples
Marriage is a lifelong journey of rediscovery. Take time to step away from household logistics and check in with your spouse's heart.
The particular risk in a long marriage is not conflict — it is that the conversation slowly narrows to logistics. Who is collecting whom, what needs paying, what is for dinner. These questions are a way to widen it again for an hour. The first section is about the two of you as a unit, the second is about each of you individually, and the third is about the years ahead. One question per sitting is a reasonable pace.
How we work as a team
Marriage-specific questions about the partnership itself — the thing that is easiest to stop examining once it is working.
- 1In what ways do you feel we make the strongest team?
- 2What is a challenge we've navigated together that made you proud of our marriage?
- 3How has your perspective on partnership evolved since our wedding day?
- 4What is something I do for our relationship that you never take for granted?
- 5How do you think we've both changed for the better since we got married?
- 6What is one area of our marriage where you feel we communicate best?
- 7What is a shared value of ours that you are most grateful for?
- 8Where do we handle things better now than we did five years ago?
- 9What is something we disagree about that has stopped mattering?
- 10What do we do well that we have never given ourselves credit for?
- 11When did you last feel like we were completely on the same side?
- 12What is a division of labour between us that quietly works?
How each of us is actually doing
The check-in that gets skipped. Long marriages assume the answers are known, and the assumption is usually a few years out of date.
- 13When do you feel most supported and appreciated by me in our daily life?
- 14How can I best support your personal goals and dreams right now?
- 15What is something you'd love for us to prioritize more in this season of life?
- 16What is something you admire about how I handle challenges?
- 17What is something you are carrying that I have not asked about?
- 18What part of your life feels most yours right now?
- 19What do you need more of that has nothing to do with me?
- 20What is something you have been quietly worried about?
- 21When did you last feel genuinely rested?
- 22What is something you miss about who you were before?
- 23What is a small freedom that would make a real difference to you?
- 24What is something you want to be true about your own life, not just ours?
What comes next
Forward-looking questions that give the marriage something to aim at rather than just maintain.
- 25What is a dream you have for our family or home in the next 5 years?
- 26What is a habit or routine you think we could adopt to make our home more peaceful?
- 27What is a tradition you want to make sure we keep alive for years to come?
- 28What is a trip or adventure you want us to take together in the next two years?
- 29How can we create more intentional screen-free quality time together this month?
- 30What does a truly romantic weekend look like for you at this stage of our marriage?
- 31What is something new you'd like to try together as a couple?
- 32What is your favorite memory of us from the past year?
- 33What are you most thankful for when you look at our life together?
- 34What is something we should stop doing?
- 35What would you like the next chapter to be about?
- 36What is one change that would make next year better than this one?
Questions about these questions
- How often should married couples do this?
- Monthly is plenty, and more sustainable than an occasional marathon. One question over dinner does more than a two-hour session that neither of you wants to repeat.
- What if a question opens something difficult?
- That is a reason to keep going, slowly. The middle section in particular is designed to surface things that have gone unmentioned. If something surfaces that needs more than an evening, it needed more than an evening before you asked.
- We already talk constantly. Do we need these?
- Most long-married couples talk constantly about logistics. Try the middle section and see whether the answers surprise you — if they do, that is the gap these are for.
Play these questions on your phone
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